To The Woman Who Can't Have Children...

To the woman who can't have children,

I know who you are. I can tell by the way you look at my boys. 

I am lucky enough to have kids who are almost always well behaved at the grocery store. Not something I take credit for, as I'm pretty sure they are just shy enough to not feel comfortable losing their shit in front of strangers. Because of this, we usually get a lot a smiles from strangers while we are there. These are very distinct smiles, that say a lot. 

There is the 'so cute, but please don't let them come near me' smiles. These are usually from young women. These women haven't even thought about deciding whether they want children or not. They think children are cute, but also gross, and that if they are touched by one they just might catch something. 

There is the 'so cute, but I still don't want one' smiles. These are from woman who have decided that children are not for them. These woman are glad that I've had children, because someone has to, but they don't understand the appeal. Sleeping, traveling, working, and reading are much more appealing then changing bums, listening to whining, and drying tears to these women. 

There is the 'so cute, I can't wait until I have my own' smiles. These are from woman who know they do want children and they are planning on having them soon, or are currently expecting. These woman still won't get too close, as they aren't quite sure what to do or say. But they can't wait to figure it out, with their own children. 

There is the 'so cute, but I know what they are probably like at home' smiles. These are from other mothers of young children. They appreciate how lucky I am that my children are behaving in that moment, but they are also fully aware that they are no angels. These woman know that at some point in the next few minutes, or hours if I'm lucky, one of these cute boys are going to make me want to pull my hair out. 

There is also the 'so cute, appreciate every moment' smiles. These are from woman of grown children. These woman have forgotten the hard times of raising small children. They only remember the smiles, kisses, cuddles, and good times. These woman will squeeze my boys cheeks or tickle them without a second thought. They may also add in a "cherish every moment," making me want to ask them how I'm supposed to do that when they are hitting each other or doing the exact opposite of what I ask them to do. 

Then there is your smile. I'm not even going to pretend that I know what you are thinking or feeling. But I know what I see in your smile. I see a little sadness, but mostly I see love. I see love that is only reserved for a child. A child you should have been able to have. 

You need to know something. Your love isn't totally wasted. I remember your love when I feel like I don't have anymore of my own to give. When I am at my wits end, ready to pull my hair out, or feel like I want to run away and never look back, I remember your love and I pass it on to my boys. I hug them when I feel like screaming. I cuddle them when I'd rather be in bed sleeping. I stop and appreciate the small things instead of wishing time away. 

Sometimes I forget these things, but it never takes long for me to remember you. I remember that you would do anything for children of your own and that it's wrong of me not to appreciate how truly blessed I am. I have to thank you for that. And my boys would thank you for that too if they knew that they are loved extra because of you.

Reason #377437 Why My Kids Have The Best Dad

Carter woke up with croup. 

Dan has a cold so he was sleeping on the couch (so I wouldn't get it - reason #546478 why he's also the best husband). 

2:30am Carter comes in our room barking like a seal. He sees Dan isn't in bed so he goes downstairs to tell him. I follow him down to tell Dan I'll take him to the hospital. 

I go upstairs to get ready and to grab Carter some socks. When I go downstairs I see Dan and Carter sitting outside in the backyard (cold air is the only relief from croup). Dan's got a sweater on and Carter's bundled up in his winter coat.

I open the door and say "does he have socks on?" Dan replies "he does, but I don't." I look down and see Dan's got his bare feet on the patio. I tell him I'm ready. 

As they come inside I see that Carter has Dan's socks on. 

My heart melted a little. 

My Kids Are Perfect!

My kids are perfect. It's true, they are. If you have kids, they are too. I had a lot of time to reflect while I was away, especially on the 18 hours it took to get there. The conclusion of my reflecting on books I've read, stories I've heard, advice I've been given, and my own experience, is my kids are perfect. 

And here's why:

*When my kids are bossy, it shows me that they have leadership qualities.

*When they are demanding, it shows that they know what they want and they are willing to fight for it.

*When they cry, I know they are learning to deal with their emotions.

*When they throw a tantrum, it shows they are struggling with those emotions and could probably use a little help figuring out what they are.

*When they throw a tantrum while out in public, it just shows they've had enough. Chances are they don't know it, so that's why they can't just say it. 

*When they are "acting out", it shows that they are good problem solvers by figuring out how to get the attention they need.

*When they don't listen, it shows they are independent and chances are they won't just do what their friends say either.

*When they fight with each other, they are just working on their relationships and testing their boundaries with each other. 

*When they are moving slower then a snail, it's their way of showing us that getting ready quickly isn't important to them and we should give them more time next time.

*When they seem absolutely impossible to deal with, it shows they are working on some really big stuff and we are just about to see a big development leap. 

Now, it's how we handle all these situations that determines whether the behaviours are used for their intended purpose, to learn and grow. The good news is, there are many right ways. It's definitely not easy, and many times I cry, throw tantrums, and get bossy, but that's okay because I'm learning too. 

So, the next time you see a child "acting out" in public, just try to remember that that they've got a lot going on and a lot of stuff they are trying to learn. And before assuming it must be the parents fault, remember that they are learning too! 

Guilt Free Mum

Something you don't often hear about but is tied to being a parent, is feelings of guilt. I can pretty much guarantee that every time I get together with any of my mom friends, one or all of us will at some point say, "I feel so bad that..." or "I feel like the worst mum because..." I have many of these thoughts pretty much on a daily basis. I feel guilty that my kids don't eat better, that I don't do enough crafts with them, that I don't read to them more, and that I don't spend more time just playing with them. For 18 months I felt guilty that I couldn't figure out what Lincoln needed to be able to sleep, knowing how important sleep is for growth and development. I previously felt guilty for not taking better care of myself, and now that I do, I feel guilty when I go for a run while the kids are awake. And the list goes on.

Recently, a friend was talking about her childhood and it made me realize how ridiculously hard I am being on myself. It made me realize I need to start focusing on all the things I am doing for my kids and stop beating myself up for the things I don't have time for. My kids are loved....so loved! They have two parents that love and respect them, as well as each other.We spend as much time as we can with them reading, playing, baking, building forts, and going on adventures. And most importantly they have a home, a real home. A safe haven. A place they are loved unconditionally. When they come home they are happy to be there. And when Dan or I come home they are always excited to see us and tell us about their day. It may not seem like a lot, but it is. Not every child has a home like that, even though they should. Not everyone is surrounded by that much love.

Feeling guilty can sometimes be good. It can get us to do, give, and be a little better. But when those feelings of guilt just make us feel like we are failing as mothers, when it couldn't be further from the truth, it doesn't do anyone any good. So going forward I am making a commitment, and I hope my mom friends will do the same, to focus on all the things we are doing for our kids. We will all still want to do more but let's do what we can and realize that raising children, especially little ones, is all consuming and we are doing the best we can with the time we have.

After all, these two look pretty well taken care of to me!

First Day of School

Dear Carter,

What a big day! Today was your first day at school. In the grand scheme of things this probably won't seem like a big day to you, but it sure was for me. I was almost in tears multiple times over the last two days thinking about you going off on your own on the bus and to school. I feel like it was just yesterday that I brought you home from the hospital and it just doesn't seem possible that you are now going to school. 

The good news is, I never cried, and that's thanks to you. You were so excited and ready to face the challenge of school. This morning you kept asking when we could leave and you got right on that bus like you didn't have a fear in the world. When you got off the bus at school and saw me there you said "hi mum" and just kept on going. I was the one following you around instead of the other way around! Once I showed you where you line up, you gave me a big hug and said "ok mum, go home!" 

Your strength and courage helped me find some of my own. It helped me focus on all the good this big step will bring for you. It's hard to believe that just a few months ago you were scared of school and to be on your own.  I know there may be bumps in the road ahead but you are so ready for this. Just remember that if you ever need help with some of those bumps, mum and dad will be here for you. Always. I'm so proud of you!

Love, 

mum

I Will Remember

Dear Lincoln,

You probably won't remember this, but I promise you that I will. Every night before bed and when I'm lucky enough to be home before nap, we rock. I get you changed and then ask you if you want to cuddle. I always get a big smile and your exaggerated node. 

You are a busy little man who never stops moving. You spend your days climbing furniture, getting in to or out of things, and proving to us that there is no such thing as Lincoln proof. The only time you sit still is for about 10 seconds when you jump on the couch beside your brother and try to imitate him watching tv. Only you can't do it. Your little body must move.

But before nap and bed you finally cuddle up to me and give that body of yours a break. You put your head on my shoulder and in the crook of my neck. It fits so perfectly there. As do your legs around my stomach, and your hands on my arms. When you aren't tired enough yet you tap your little fingers on my arm. You lay there and I can feel your heart beat, as I'm sure you can feel mine. Your little body usually twitches a few times while it tries to relax. 

I usually move you to your crib while you are still awake but sometimes I just can't. Sometimes, when I feel you become heavy as you drift off to sleep I feel like there is no where else I'd rather be. I usually sit there soaking it in. I'll admit that sometimes I'm just so relieved that you are finally asleep (for your sake and/or mine), but then I remember that I'm going to miss this someday. I'm going to miss feeling your heart beat, hearing your breath, and having you fit so perfectly cuddled up on my lap. 

But I will always remember.

Love,

mum

The Truth!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, parenting is hard. I feel like I am so blessed to have an amazing husband and two happy healthy little boys, but that doesn't mean this whole parenting thing is easy. I struggle with it almost every day.  I had a friend recently say "you must be so happy!" I cried. At the time I was going through a particularly hard time. I equate it to feeling like a hamster on a wheel that just keeps going and going but not getting anywhere. The truth is, I am. I am raising two amazing little boys but sometimes it's hard to see when trying to get through the endless things on our "to do" list.

Although I think it's important to be honest about how hard parenting is so others don't feel like they must be doing something wrong if they are struggling, I don't like to post about that stuff on Facebook. The last thing I would ever want is for my kids to one day look back at my Facebook status' and see me complaining about them or my life with them. I want them to see how much I love them, how much fun we have together, and the special memories we made together. I don't want to remember the hard moments because they are just that, moments. They aren't what I will remember when I think back on this time. They aren't the moments I will wish I could re-live for one more day. 

The only time I want to remember the hard moments is when I see a friend going through the same struggles I've been through so I remember to reach out a helping help, or a supportive ear. I want to remember them when/if Carter and Lincoln have kids of their own someday. I hope I remember how hard it is to be sleep deprived so I will offer to watch the kids for the night. Or I'll remember how literally impossible it is to have a clean home with kids so I will offer my helping hand around the house. I hope to remember how much pressure there is to do everything right so I remind them that they are doing a great job and that everything will be okay. 

I feel that only when they have kids of their own would they fully understand how I could love them more then anything, while at the same time wishing they would just leave me alone for 5 min! How I couldn't imagine my life without them, but some days I miss the freedom of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. How just the sound of them waking up could bring me to tears some days because my body is so tired that I don't know how I'm surviving. How I can be so excited for some time to myself and then minutes into that time I start crying because I miss them (ok, maybe they will never get that one- they are boys after all). 

So to all my friends that are parents, I get it. This is such an amazing and wonderful journey we are on, but such a hard one too. You aren't alone.