To The Woman Who Can't Have Children...

To the woman who can't have children,

I know who you are. I can tell by the way you look at my boys. 

I am lucky enough to have kids who are almost always well behaved at the grocery store. Not something I take credit for, as I'm pretty sure they are just shy enough to not feel comfortable losing their shit in front of strangers. Because of this, we usually get a lot a smiles from strangers while we are there. These are very distinct smiles, that say a lot. 

There is the 'so cute, but please don't let them come near me' smiles. These are usually from young women. These women haven't even thought about deciding whether they want children or not. They think children are cute, but also gross, and that if they are touched by one they just might catch something. 

There is the 'so cute, but I still don't want one' smiles. These are from woman who have decided that children are not for them. These woman are glad that I've had children, because someone has to, but they don't understand the appeal. Sleeping, traveling, working, and reading are much more appealing then changing bums, listening to whining, and drying tears to these women. 

There is the 'so cute, I can't wait until I have my own' smiles. These are from woman who know they do want children and they are planning on having them soon, or are currently expecting. These woman still won't get too close, as they aren't quite sure what to do or say. But they can't wait to figure it out, with their own children. 

There is the 'so cute, but I know what they are probably like at home' smiles. These are from other mothers of young children. They appreciate how lucky I am that my children are behaving in that moment, but they are also fully aware that they are no angels. These woman know that at some point in the next few minutes, or hours if I'm lucky, one of these cute boys are going to make me want to pull my hair out. 

There is also the 'so cute, appreciate every moment' smiles. These are from woman of grown children. These woman have forgotten the hard times of raising small children. They only remember the smiles, kisses, cuddles, and good times. These woman will squeeze my boys cheeks or tickle them without a second thought. They may also add in a "cherish every moment," making me want to ask them how I'm supposed to do that when they are hitting each other or doing the exact opposite of what I ask them to do. 

Then there is your smile. I'm not even going to pretend that I know what you are thinking or feeling. But I know what I see in your smile. I see a little sadness, but mostly I see love. I see love that is only reserved for a child. A child you should have been able to have. 

You need to know something. Your love isn't totally wasted. I remember your love when I feel like I don't have anymore of my own to give. When I am at my wits end, ready to pull my hair out, or feel like I want to run away and never look back, I remember your love and I pass it on to my boys. I hug them when I feel like screaming. I cuddle them when I'd rather be in bed sleeping. I stop and appreciate the small things instead of wishing time away. 

Sometimes I forget these things, but it never takes long for me to remember you. I remember that you would do anything for children of your own and that it's wrong of me not to appreciate how truly blessed I am. I have to thank you for that. And my boys would thank you for that too if they knew that they are loved extra because of you.

Reason #377437 Why My Kids Have The Best Dad

Carter woke up with croup. 

Dan has a cold so he was sleeping on the couch (so I wouldn't get it - reason #546478 why he's also the best husband). 

2:30am Carter comes in our room barking like a seal. He sees Dan isn't in bed so he goes downstairs to tell him. I follow him down to tell Dan I'll take him to the hospital. 

I go upstairs to get ready and to grab Carter some socks. When I go downstairs I see Dan and Carter sitting outside in the backyard (cold air is the only relief from croup). Dan's got a sweater on and Carter's bundled up in his winter coat.

I open the door and say "does he have socks on?" Dan replies "he does, but I don't." I look down and see Dan's got his bare feet on the patio. I tell him I'm ready. 

As they come inside I see that Carter has Dan's socks on. 

My heart melted a little. 

My Kids Are Perfect!

My kids are perfect. It's true, they are. If you have kids, they are too. I had a lot of time to reflect while I was away, especially on the 18 hours it took to get there. The conclusion of my reflecting on books I've read, stories I've heard, advice I've been given, and my own experience, is my kids are perfect. 

And here's why:

*When my kids are bossy, it shows me that they have leadership qualities.

*When they are demanding, it shows that they know what they want and they are willing to fight for it.

*When they cry, I know they are learning to deal with their emotions.

*When they throw a tantrum, it shows they are struggling with those emotions and could probably use a little help figuring out what they are.

*When they throw a tantrum while out in public, it just shows they've had enough. Chances are they don't know it, so that's why they can't just say it. 

*When they are "acting out", it shows that they are good problem solvers by figuring out how to get the attention they need.

*When they don't listen, it shows they are independent and chances are they won't just do what their friends say either.

*When they fight with each other, they are just working on their relationships and testing their boundaries with each other. 

*When they are moving slower then a snail, it's their way of showing us that getting ready quickly isn't important to them and we should give them more time next time.

*When they seem absolutely impossible to deal with, it shows they are working on some really big stuff and we are just about to see a big development leap. 

Now, it's how we handle all these situations that determines whether the behaviours are used for their intended purpose, to learn and grow. The good news is, there are many right ways. It's definitely not easy, and many times I cry, throw tantrums, and get bossy, but that's okay because I'm learning too. 

So, the next time you see a child "acting out" in public, just try to remember that that they've got a lot going on and a lot of stuff they are trying to learn. And before assuming it must be the parents fault, remember that they are learning too! 

Guilt Free Mum

Something you don't often hear about but is tied to being a parent, is feelings of guilt. I can pretty much guarantee that every time I get together with any of my mom friends, one or all of us will at some point say, "I feel so bad that..." or "I feel like the worst mum because..." I have many of these thoughts pretty much on a daily basis. I feel guilty that my kids don't eat better, that I don't do enough crafts with them, that I don't read to them more, and that I don't spend more time just playing with them. For 18 months I felt guilty that I couldn't figure out what Lincoln needed to be able to sleep, knowing how important sleep is for growth and development. I previously felt guilty for not taking better care of myself, and now that I do, I feel guilty when I go for a run while the kids are awake. And the list goes on.

Recently, a friend was talking about her childhood and it made me realize how ridiculously hard I am being on myself. It made me realize I need to start focusing on all the things I am doing for my kids and stop beating myself up for the things I don't have time for. My kids are loved....so loved! They have two parents that love and respect them, as well as each other.We spend as much time as we can with them reading, playing, baking, building forts, and going on adventures. And most importantly they have a home, a real home. A safe haven. A place they are loved unconditionally. When they come home they are happy to be there. And when Dan or I come home they are always excited to see us and tell us about their day. It may not seem like a lot, but it is. Not every child has a home like that, even though they should. Not everyone is surrounded by that much love.

Feeling guilty can sometimes be good. It can get us to do, give, and be a little better. But when those feelings of guilt just make us feel like we are failing as mothers, when it couldn't be further from the truth, it doesn't do anyone any good. So going forward I am making a commitment, and I hope my mom friends will do the same, to focus on all the things we are doing for our kids. We will all still want to do more but let's do what we can and realize that raising children, especially little ones, is all consuming and we are doing the best we can with the time we have.

After all, these two look pretty well taken care of to me!

First Day of School

Dear Carter,

What a big day! Today was your first day at school. In the grand scheme of things this probably won't seem like a big day to you, but it sure was for me. I was almost in tears multiple times over the last two days thinking about you going off on your own on the bus and to school. I feel like it was just yesterday that I brought you home from the hospital and it just doesn't seem possible that you are now going to school. 

The good news is, I never cried, and that's thanks to you. You were so excited and ready to face the challenge of school. This morning you kept asking when we could leave and you got right on that bus like you didn't have a fear in the world. When you got off the bus at school and saw me there you said "hi mum" and just kept on going. I was the one following you around instead of the other way around! Once I showed you where you line up, you gave me a big hug and said "ok mum, go home!" 

Your strength and courage helped me find some of my own. It helped me focus on all the good this big step will bring for you. It's hard to believe that just a few months ago you were scared of school and to be on your own.  I know there may be bumps in the road ahead but you are so ready for this. Just remember that if you ever need help with some of those bumps, mum and dad will be here for you. Always. I'm so proud of you!

Love, 

mum

I Will Remember

Dear Lincoln,

You probably won't remember this, but I promise you that I will. Every night before bed and when I'm lucky enough to be home before nap, we rock. I get you changed and then ask you if you want to cuddle. I always get a big smile and your exaggerated node. 

You are a busy little man who never stops moving. You spend your days climbing furniture, getting in to or out of things, and proving to us that there is no such thing as Lincoln proof. The only time you sit still is for about 10 seconds when you jump on the couch beside your brother and try to imitate him watching tv. Only you can't do it. Your little body must move.

But before nap and bed you finally cuddle up to me and give that body of yours a break. You put your head on my shoulder and in the crook of my neck. It fits so perfectly there. As do your legs around my stomach, and your hands on my arms. When you aren't tired enough yet you tap your little fingers on my arm. You lay there and I can feel your heart beat, as I'm sure you can feel mine. Your little body usually twitches a few times while it tries to relax. 

I usually move you to your crib while you are still awake but sometimes I just can't. Sometimes, when I feel you become heavy as you drift off to sleep I feel like there is no where else I'd rather be. I usually sit there soaking it in. I'll admit that sometimes I'm just so relieved that you are finally asleep (for your sake and/or mine), but then I remember that I'm going to miss this someday. I'm going to miss feeling your heart beat, hearing your breath, and having you fit so perfectly cuddled up on my lap. 

But I will always remember.

Love,

mum

The Truth!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, parenting is hard. I feel like I am so blessed to have an amazing husband and two happy healthy little boys, but that doesn't mean this whole parenting thing is easy. I struggle with it almost every day.  I had a friend recently say "you must be so happy!" I cried. At the time I was going through a particularly hard time. I equate it to feeling like a hamster on a wheel that just keeps going and going but not getting anywhere. The truth is, I am. I am raising two amazing little boys but sometimes it's hard to see when trying to get through the endless things on our "to do" list.

Although I think it's important to be honest about how hard parenting is so others don't feel like they must be doing something wrong if they are struggling, I don't like to post about that stuff on Facebook. The last thing I would ever want is for my kids to one day look back at my Facebook status' and see me complaining about them or my life with them. I want them to see how much I love them, how much fun we have together, and the special memories we made together. I don't want to remember the hard moments because they are just that, moments. They aren't what I will remember when I think back on this time. They aren't the moments I will wish I could re-live for one more day. 

The only time I want to remember the hard moments is when I see a friend going through the same struggles I've been through so I remember to reach out a helping help, or a supportive ear. I want to remember them when/if Carter and Lincoln have kids of their own someday. I hope I remember how hard it is to be sleep deprived so I will offer to watch the kids for the night. Or I'll remember how literally impossible it is to have a clean home with kids so I will offer my helping hand around the house. I hope to remember how much pressure there is to do everything right so I remind them that they are doing a great job and that everything will be okay. 

I feel that only when they have kids of their own would they fully understand how I could love them more then anything, while at the same time wishing they would just leave me alone for 5 min! How I couldn't imagine my life without them, but some days I miss the freedom of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. How just the sound of them waking up could bring me to tears some days because my body is so tired that I don't know how I'm surviving. How I can be so excited for some time to myself and then minutes into that time I start crying because I miss them (ok, maybe they will never get that one- they are boys after all). 

So to all my friends that are parents, I get it. This is such an amazing and wonderful journey we are on, but such a hard one too. You aren't alone. 

African Lion Safari

Our trip to African Lion Safari...

 Was a perfect day. The weather was great and so many wonderful memories were made.

Father's Day 2013

To the best dad our kids could ask for, thank you. Thank you for...

- giving up your daily naps

- always making us laugh

- being the calm force in the house when anyone (no need to name names here) is about to "lose their shit"

- never complaining when you get whacked with a hand and hear "it's your turn!" in the middle of the night

- making dinner every night after work with two kids demanding your attention

- cleaning up many of those said dinners so the boys and I can have some play time 

- building us a shed, playhouse, and pergola 

- offering to help me clean later, just so I can have some time to relax "now"

- never complaining about my runs, my shopping trips, or my dinners/coffee out with the girls

- teaching our boys EXACTLY how to be great fathers and husbands, just by being you

Thank you my love,

Happy Father's Day!

Love, your doting wife 

Xoxo 

To My Dear Friends

To my dear friends,

Please know that I miss you dearly and think of you often. I know some time has passed since we last spoke but I promise it's not what I planned. You see, this whole mothering thing has been a lot more work then I imagined. 

When I'm not at my paying job, I spend my time changing diapers, wiping little hands and faces,  making meals with little hands reaching up for me, kissing little faces and hurt little knees, doing laundry, planning meals, reading stories, taking pictures, giving baths, working through tantrums, getting groceries, and cleaning rooms that should have been cleaned weeks ago.

Then at night, after the kids are both asleep and tomorrow's lunch is made, dishes are done, and we have run around picking up kids toys from all over the house (inside and out), I look up at the clock and realize I have exactly 10 minutes until the laundry will be ready to be folded and it will be time for bed. I know I should call you then, I really do. And I want to. By then though, my body and mind are just so tired that I need that 10 minutes. The truth is, those 10 minutes are usually spent going through all the 'to do' lists in my head and planning for tomorrow. Without that time, I'm afraid my world would come tumbling down all around me. 

Although it seems like a long time now, I really only have such a short time to make an impact on these beautiful kids that I brought in to this world. To help them feel loved and connected. To teach them right from wrong. To give them the confidence to be independent and strength to ask for help. They need to be with us for us to show them by example how to treat others with kindness and respect and to do the same for themselves. 

Just know, I really do think of you often. Of our nights of dancing, laughing, and talking for hours. Of out playdates when the kids were young enough to just lay on the floor and coo up at us. Of road trips and trips to beaches in far away lands. I'm confident that we will have those times again soon (minus the babies on the floor - no more for me anyway!) Please just be patient with me as I do the most important job of my life. And if you are thinking of me too, please know that you can call. If you ever need me, I will drop everything to be there for you.  I may not be able to go out for a night on the town but a movie, coffee, or dinner out with you may be just what we both need! 

Sincerely,

A friend that's missing you. 

My first 5K!

Warming up!

It's not sunny mum

Getting the tunes ready

It's go time!

Bouncy house fun while mum runs

Near the finish line!

Me and my motivation!

 First 5K - 31:58

Weight Loss Update

Well, I'm almost embarrassed to even say it, but I'm now down 50 pounds. 50. It feels amazing. It's hard to believe that after struggling with my weight for basically my whole adult life, I'm finally making a change. I'm controlling it instead of it controlling me. I've been on this journey for five months now and what a difference!

I get asked a lot what I'm doing to lose the weight, so I thought I'd share it here. My first step was to cut out sugar for a few weeks. I had horrible cravings all the time and I heard sugar was the culprit. If you need convincing, just watch "Hungry For Change." I had also read Practical Paleo at the advice of a friend (thanks Andrea!) Although I wasn't prepared to cut out wheat and dairy, it did convince me to really cut back on them, and to stick to whole foods as much as possible. So my journey began.

The first couple weeks were hard but I had committed to it for three weeks. I avoided almost all sugar, except the odd fruit, and ate as much whole food as possible. I also started finding alternatives to the foods I use to eat (kale chips, home made sweet potato fries, banana and egg pancakes, spaghetti squash, almond butter/milk, etc). After three weeks my cravings for junk food were gone. It was amazing how quickly I was able to turn it around.

I started tracking my calories as well using myfitnesspal.com. It's not for everyone but for me I find it keeps me accountable and lets me know when I should be eating more or less. I no longer track every day but I still do when I want to know where I'm at calorie wise for the day.

In January I also started working out. I did couch to 5k (a running program) three days a week, and 30 day shred three days a week, for 8 weeks. Now that it's starting to get warmer out I'm running outside most days. I love it. And on April 28th I'm going to run in my first 5K. 6 months ago I never would have thought I'd be a "runner". Even now I put it in quotations because it seems weird to call myself that!

The best part of all of this, and my biggest motivation, is that I have the energy to really play with my boys. Whether it's rolling around in the snow, running around the block (with one of them on my back), or having a dance party. I'm so excited for the fun we will have this summer!

Duck of Another Kind!

Two Carter stories that I don't want to forget...

A week and a half ago Carter and Lincoln had an eye doctor's appointment. It was in the evening which is always risky with little ones. It paid off with Link as he basically just sat still (very rare occurrence) on Dan's lap and let the eye doctor do her thing.

Carter on the other hand...

Evening's can go one of three ways with Carter. He's either super tired and whinny, tired and wired, or calm and relaxed. That night we got tired and wired. So as he was being asked what he saw ahead of him he decided to come up with new rhyming names for what he saw. As it went on he got sillier and sillier. And then came the duck, or as we now know as "fuck!"

He was on my lap and luckily couldn't see my reaction, but he definitely saw the smirk from the eye dr and then it was game over. For the next 5 min straight he yelled out "fuck" in response to any question she asked him. And since one of the three of us (me, Dan, or the eye dr) couldn't contain our laughter each time, it just got worse and worse. And any attempt to stop it just made it worse. Luckily, the eye dr has a great sense of humour, proven again when Carter wouldn't stop picking his nose as we were going to leave.

On the plus side, Carter had a blast and he won't hesitate to go back again!

Tonight I made spinach lasagna. The second Carter spotted the spinach he turned up his nose saying "I don't like broccoli!" Then when we broke the news that it was actually spinach it became "I don't like spinach!" When we told him that it has no taste he decided to give it a try and said "I do like it!" Unfortunately as he ate more he started turning his nose up at it. He started whining and whining about it until he told me "it's not the taste mum. I don't like the way it looks." I told him to just not look at it.

I wish I had a camera for what happened next. He then proceeded to close his eyes and try to get the spoon in his mouth from the side without looking at it. He just couldn't do it. Every time it got about an inch from his mouth one eye would slowly open and then he'd shiver with disgust. I felt bad for him because I remember feeling that way about certain foods when I was a kid. After it was clear it was not going to happen I offered to feed him while he kept him eyes closed. So, he proceeded to eat the rest of his dinner with his eyes closed, and even asked for more!

Perhaps the eyes closed trick will come in handy with some other undesirable foods!

January in a Flash!

For those not on facebook!